We jump back into the 5 languages of apology with MFT Carol Timmons. Carol invites us to learn our own language of apology, process our thoughts before reacting, and forgive those who might never apologize. Practice: Apologize In Many Ways If you’ve found this practice or another practice helpful, let us know at mail@10000minutes.com and we might include your story in a future episode!
The 10000 MINUTES Podcast is a weekly deep dive into the adventures and struggles of living out our daily lives WITH Jesus, not for Him. Also, we like to laugh. A lot. Maybe too much.. Ok, maybe too much.
Episode Summary:
We jump back into the 5 languages of apology with MFT Carol Timmons. Carol invites us to learn our own language of apology, process our thoughts before reacting, and forgive those who might never apologize.
Practice: Apologize In Many Ways
If you’ve found this practice or another practice helpful, let us know at mail@10000minutes.com and we might include your story in a future episode!
Next week, GRAMMY®, Dove and two-time K-LOVE Fan award winner Mandisa joins the 10000 MINUTES Podcast to share her journey with navigating depression, the ways she’s coped with loss, and how our everyday decisions impact our mental health.
Show Notes:
“The 5 Apology Languages” by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas
Apology Language quiz
Carol’s Notes
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So sincere apology may lead to forgiveness or may not. It may lead to reconciliation, or it may not
In restoration quite
Yesterday. Yes. Restoration is reconciliation. Yes. Okay. But there's little chance of either forgiveness or reconciliation without a sincere apology.
Hello.
Hey everybody. Welcome to the 10,000 Minute Podcast. My name's Tim Timmons.
I'm Chris.
Hi Chris. I'm Moy
Now. Just curious. Okay.
Okay.
I,
I think your last name matters, but I, maybe that's just cuz Mine's So, like Tim Timmsy,
It. Cleveland, everybody.
Cleveland. We'll pack that on a Yeah. On another day. Be another one. I mean, I like Donese, but rumor has it, it's Donny Setti. Ah, I don't know. My family's too big. So we have rumors. We don't have an actual facts in our, in our
World. So, cause rumors happen with a lot of people.
Yeah. So I guess maybe I'm also Italian. I don't know. Doesn't matter guys.
That's what I think.
Because season one everybody, we found out her real name, which is Iran
Is my real name. Hey. Yo. They, they can
Listen to season one, Mary backwards. They
Can listen to season one to find
Out. Okay. Okay. Anyways, it's great. But we think you're great either way.
Thanks. We do. I do too. Yeah.
Is named
The woman who named Howard.
Yeah. Tims
Mm-hmm.
Go.
Uh, so Carol Timmons, my mom, who's a therapist, uh, if you did not listen to the last episode, uh, we are rethinking, apologizing. Mm-hmm.
Show notes, yeah. They'll have stuff in the, oh wait, show notes.
Yeah. Cuz she's got this little piece of paper, guys, that ours is yellow. You wanna show that thing really quick? Anyways, it looks like a, it's
A Mexican restaurant menu.
Yeah, it totally does. People, it's pretty great. Just, just so you can see it. Cause I don't think you can see it in the other thing,
Hey, this is Moy. Each episode we're going to hear from listeners about the impact that practices like this one from episode 15 and 16, rethink Your Grief, have Had in their life.
Hi, I'm Jocelyn. I really loved the episodes on grief from season one. I now allow myself to label my feelings toward loss, specifically quote unquote, small loss as grief and to process my feelings in that way. This has really helped me through a year of many changes and ups and downs, giving myself the freedom to grieve and to go through the stages and then to let go.
If you found this bit or any other practice helpful, let us know by emailing mail 10,000 minutes.com and we might include your story in a future episode. Hi, it's Mo again. Just here to quickly let you know that some of our footage from the interview is missing due to technical issues, but the conversation with Carol is truly incredible. So we hope you enjoy
Language three is restitution or amends. And the question here, now the first question was, I'm sorry, or the first expression was, I'm sorry, the se second expression was, I was wrong. This one is, what can I do to make it right? Hmm. So it asks if any compensation or help is needed for the wound to heal or for the other person to get on their feet. It asks how you can restore that person's confidence in your love. And a good way to say it is, I know it's not enough to just tell you, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make up for what I've done? Mm. Now I think where this gets, um, confused sometimes is
Yeah. And so thinking, well, I gave you flowers. Do you not even care? You didn't think? That's not important. Nothing I do is enough for you. I'm trying. Okay. Well, we're, we're amends are good, but they need to also have some other elements in them.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. That, that could be it, it could, uh, incorporate a lot of different things. Mm-hmm.
Right?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. I'm, I I I feel like this one could be a total just bomb waiting to happen
Yeah. I, I think it is tricky. I think, I think maybe what we could say is number three needs to be paired right. With something else. Yes. Right. Even if it were paired with accepting responsibility, I was wrong. Yeah. Yeah. And then what can I do to make it right?
Yeah. Right. Yeah. It, it in and of itself mm-hmm.
Be a bump feels dangerous. Mm-hmm.
I actually feel like so many people lead with this. Yes. Right. Let me just, uh, I'll show back up in two weeks and be cool. Yeah. And be real happy and be the thing and Yes. And walk like it didn't happen. Right. And that, that was our family, you know? Mm-hmm.
That's where you get the lumpy rug, right? Yes.
Because trust is at the bottom of all these things. Is that why? Yes.
Yes.
Trusting that you're actually honest and saying, I'm sorry, honest,
Trust that you get my pain. Mm-hmm.
Right. Trusting that you're, your empathy is real. Mm-hmm.
Do you think it's easier to apologize to strangers than it is people you know deeply,
Very
Often. So much baggage in the, the intimate
Mm-hmm.
Because they know all yours too. I don't
Know. Because people who know you could use it against you. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Right. Okay. I wasn't mentally prepared for how deep this was gonna die into my
Life. I know, I know, I know guys. I know
Because we still haven't gotten into like, apologizing to ourselves because I think about that too, just like That's right. That's why it's so easy to apologize to others. Cuz I have a record of my own things. And so it's easy to go into shame. Like any, anytime I've had to apologize, I, I always want to, I feel comfortable in conflict and disagreement. Mm-hmm.
There's an excellent chapter in this book. So I'm recommending that people consider this book. There's some things in here I don't agree with necessarily. Mm-hmm. But one of the chapters is exactly what you're saying, choosing to forgive yourself. Mm-hmm. And they even say, what does it mean to forgive yourself? Forgiving oneself is much like forgiving someone who has offended you. Forgiving someone else means that you choose to no longer hold the offense against them, so forth. Um, but the idea is forgiving yourself and he gives even a little thing. You can write your self apology statement. Here's a sample [inaudible] saying to yourself, the offense you committed has troubled me greatly. It has brought me much inner anxiety, but I have heard your sincere apology and I value you. Hmm. Hmm. Therefore, Moy, I choose to forgive you. I will no longer hold the offense against you. I will do everything I can to make your future bright. You can count on my support. Let me say it again. Moy, I forgive you. Hmm. Be powerful. Huh? Very
Powerful. Whoa.
The I will continue to be your support. Mm-hmm.
Were saying that, like how you go, how you like l like to actually, you're comfortable in conflict and you want to get to resolve. I thought this thing and maybe because of the same thing, like I kind of aggressively go into it. Like I, I think maybe, um, and I've, I can think of plenty of times and I'm like, no, we have to take care of this now. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Like premature,
Um, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Was about to ask that cuz that's Kinzie. She can write way better than she can speak sometimes. Actually, we've gotten way better at it over the years mm-hmm.
Thing. Mm-hmm.
I have a notebook of everything else. But she said, how do I know what I think until I see what I say? That's very profound. How do I know what's ruminating in my head? Spinning, spinning, spinning until I see what I have written down. Wow. And I look back at it because when I'm processing something that's hurtful or I have to make a decision, I often just go Yes. Spin in my head. And I may or may not come to a conclusion, but I'm just confused. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I reread it and I thought, oh no, he doesn't need to hear all that. You're doing your own work. I was just, I'm Hmm. Now I see what was going on with me. Now I get, but wow. I can write him a letter differently, but he doesn't need all this. Mm. But I needed to write it. Yeah. Right. I just didn't know I needed to write it. Mm wow.
For me, that actually could be a, a person. I mean, that's what why therapists are such a gift in a lot of ways, is you are sitting there listening. You're, you're the mirror. You're almost the journalist. Right?
Yeah.
You know, repeating back, mirroring back. Mm-hmm.
That's interesting. Mm-hmm.
That makes a lot more sense than me just saying a bunch of
Words. That list, you know, list is real long,
Longer about today.
Should we go on to let's language five. Let's do, let's do it. Okay. Uh, this one is actually requesting forgiveness. Hmm. Will you forgive me? So I'll go through the five. Yep. First of all was, I'm sorry, second of all was I was wrong. Third, what can I do to make it right? Fourth was I'll do my best not to do it again. And the fifth now is, will you forgive me? This expresses recognition that forgiveness is needed and that you are willing to be patient in seeking reconciliation. More time or greater, greater clarification of your authenticity may be needed. If so, the ball is in their court. Yeah. So here's how it could be said. I know I've hurt you and you have every right to be angry. I value our relationship and I'm so sorry I have damaged it. So I am hoping that in time you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
You see that adding those words instead of just saying, so will you forgive me? Mm-hmm.
So give an example of how this would work. So you say, I'm sorry, you know, experiencing regret. Mm-hmm.
And then if they say, well, I could forgive you if you would, okay. All right. Now we can talk mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Are mine. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Choose. I think it kind of depends on the offense. Mm-hmm.
Person
And the person. Yes. And the history. And like,
So go to your closest. Would it be best to go to your closest, most intimate relationships?
Yes. Alright. Just think about that. Yeah, just think about your
Friendship. Think my wife. It's one thing and we've got a different history and um, and the things that we're annoying each other about are pretty, um, like typical like parenting and Yes. Getting through life things. And so those, while they don't hit as deep as, as they had before, cause we're actually, we're doing great babe
Just
But I, I think for her for sure, it's like the, I'm sorry I was wrong. Like me taking, um, me taking ownership of that and seeing and validating her feelings. Mm-hmm.
That's good, Chris. That's great.
I think when I think of number five, will you forgive me? And if there's any pushback on those things, like I would probably get a little resentful that there's pushback on that. I'm like, I just killed it with doing these five mm-hmm.
More, or they didn't get it or believe you or it felt it was weak or something.
Yeah. Yeah. Any of those things. I'm just, there's, there's something in there that for me as I'm apologizing. Cuz if I got to number five and they're like, yeah, X, Y, and Z, I'd be like, listen, I just did this thing so well
Forgiveness. Mm-hmm.
I love when I wake up in the morning to say the Lord's prayer, just to say it under my breath, under the covers.
Um, it's hard for me to separate forgiveness and a lot of this stuff mm-hmm.
There? Yes.
Hmm.
So if there's been a murder, yes. Okay. Somebody's right on. Right. Life,
Not
Reconciliation, but No. So justice does not fix things
In restoration about
Yesterday. Yeah. Yes. Restoration is reconciliation. Yes. Okay. But there's little chance of either forgiveness or reconciliation without a sincere apology. I believe that, uh, forgiveness, I can forgive someone even if they don't apologize to me because I want to cleanse my soul. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yes, yes. Right? Yes.
Um, so forgiveness in
My, it's a lot to hold.
Yeah. In my understanding. Um, forgiveness, even without an apology for benefits, the forgiver.
Yep.
It releases the offender to God for justice. Hmm. And it releases my anger to God. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. So, yeah. So we want to be people who are quick to, um, like acknowledge our own spaces where we need to apologize, but are also capable, uh, for our own health and life and all those things to be able to let things go and forgive, um, regardless of the outcome either way,
Regardless of whether somebody real else really realizes how they've hurt us or betrayed us or pained us or whatever.
Hmm. Yeah. Or if they'll ever apologize to us on both ends of it.
Yes. Because there are people who have passed on
Yeah.
So how does one do that? How does one go through that process of grieving that mm-hmm.
Okay, here's my sentence.
Wish.
So good. Say that one more
Time. Yeah. Cuz it's, it's a lot and I'll amplify it. Mental, emotional and spiritual health is letting go of what I truly cannot have. Now, there are things that I want that if I work hard for them or I ask for an apology or I, you know, do this or that, I can have it. Yeah.
But there are certain things in my life that I would like, that I want very deeply or very much that I cannot have. And I can carry around that all along. Well, I can't have it, you know? I know I can't have it. Yeah. Why, why can't I have it? They've got it. You know, they had it and it's my, okay. So mental, emotional, spiritual health is letting go of what I've found out I truly cannot have. Mm-hmm.
Mm. Yeah. And that was the last part of your statement that you just said was embracing,
Embracing, cherishing, loving what I have
Left, what I do have left.
That's so good. Send me your, uh, bill after
This podcast. It's too real. I'm like, yes. I can see that I have a very specific person in mind who is way down and is mentally suffering from the lack of apologies Yeah. In her life. Yeah. And so she lives a life of grieving what she's lost. But not, she, I don't know if she, how what, what is needed to get to a point to embrace what it what is right now. Cuz she's so far back in why don't I still have that? Why didn't I, she
Still believes she could get it.
Yes. Wow.
At some level. Mm-hmm. Oh wow. Maybe not at a total, but you know, at some deep level she believes she could still get it if she could blame someone enough or make someone else sad enough or knock somebody's door down, or Yes. Blame God and make God feel bad because she doesn't have it. I don't know. Right. You know, I'm not talking about your friend that you,
But you're, you're hitting all of them. Yeah. You're hitting all of them.
If we still think we could get it, if we could make someone else give it to us
Right.
Then I haven't let it go.
You said something a second ago that was really interesting and I've thought about this before in some of my specific instances in life is like, is there a boundary on asking for an apology? Mm-hmm.
Well, I mean, depending on what's going on, yeah. We don't need to know. Um, but if there are people in the past who have hurt you and you have carried this angst toward them then and you wanna sort of make some kind of amends with them mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
It's saying, I I'm owning how I have felt toward you. Yeah. Now that's not saying that you were murderous or you were horrible or you were slander, but you might even get out of them. Well, you know, I realize I did some things wrong too. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And it might not and it might not. And that's the, the place where you get to like Yeah. That's truly okay with that. Yeah.
Yeah. I think about myself when like, I think sometimes space is good and time is good. Like there's some of those really serious things that I'm like, actually I'm, I'm like fine. Mm-hmm.
That's right. That's right. Could open up Pandora's box. Right.
But even going into that conversation though, if you went into that conversation or I went into that, that conversation expecting
The stuff,
The, an apology out of it. Like, if I do this, I mean that that would be something that I, it's gonna be great. I'm gonna kill that. I think if I really claim this and I apologize for my side of the court Yeah. I think this is gonna happen and if it doesn't then I'm even gonna be more pissed.
Yeah, that's right.
It'd be, yeah. I
Don't know how to, but if you ever did and you could say, you know, I've been holding this against you, so could you please forgive me for holding it against you? You know, you could do, I mean that's
Humbling. Why is Jesus principle, you're literally flipping it someone you want. Yeah. Like them to apologize, you take it to them. Mm-hmm.
I dunno what else
I dunno else would be.
What else you
Got mom? Okay. Well, um, I think that's, um,
Any highlights that you see in your notes if you guys, my mom is so prepared. I mean she's like,
I love it.
She's got none of our other people are gonna be this prepared Abraham
One Soul is like Yeah. Just smile and ear to ear. Yeah. Thank you. Well I believe in this and I really wanted to present it. You can tell. Well, because the author, he did a marvelous job in the book and I think he made a great contribution. And
So except for that one party got wrong. Yeah.
The one idiot idiot.
We'll send him this episode. It's okay. It's okay. Well he
Might even come on here. Yeah.
Yeah. Actually that's a true statement. And we'll, we'll get his read on that and I'll say it. My mom's picture. Your total jack. Yeah. No, I'll not say that mom. I'll not say it at all. Uh, just on the side of what does this look like? I mean one of the things that we're always doing is we're saying, great, these are great things to see, but what does it look like to practice these things? Put them into practice with Jesus. Cuz that's kinda the difference with 10,000 minutes is that it's not just a devotional or something that we're learning going, Ooh, that's a cool word, but it's okay. So now how do we put this into practice? Can you guys think of anything? I mean, I think even just the Lord's prayer mm-hmm.
I mean, I just think that keeping these basic little red things in here in mind are, are good. And because they're all things that Jesus would want us to do. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. I was wrong. What can I do to make it right? Yeah. I'll do my best not to do it again. Will you forgive me? And they're all Jesus things. Yeah.
It, I mean this, so much of this is laying down your rights.
Yeah.
When I'm a apologizing, it is such a humble thing to say, I Yeah. I'm not gonna claim my rights here even if I was wrong in certain ways. And I'm not the only person in this relationship that needs to say something that's really like the way of the kingdom. Mm-hmm.
And that's what he says. And James, humble yourselves. Yeah. Hmm. We don't ask God to humble us. Oh my gosh. Don't ask God to humble us
So using one of these languages with somebody
Yeah. One of these languages or all of them just kind of, even even trying it out and it might feel so prescriptive mm-hmm.
I guess just not intimacy,
This is going up on the fridge at home.
And if you use these just basic statements that, I'm sorry I was wrong, what can I do? You start using those, it'll be just a normal language in your household.
Wow. Mm-hmm.
Touch his shoes left and right. Boxes everywhere.
I mean Yeah. This, this really did a lot for me today. We always appreciate you. Good. Thank you. Coming in and just
Yeah. I think a few of the cuss words on here are, I I I would disagree. The ones in red. Yeah. The ones in red
Okay.
Like you can even think of all the people that you're counseling every week. Mm-hmm.
Our father, we come to you, um, in the name of Jesus and we come because you've told us to come boldly before the throne of grace to find help in time of need. And you've told us we don't have to come shyly or apologetically, we come boldly before your throne of grace in time of need because you are always ready to extend grace. You ask us to own what we have done. You ask us to confess, you want us to confess when you say, if we confess our sins, you are faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Not only forgive, but to cleanse. So we love that forgiveness. We love that cleansing. So I pray that these thoughts would, um, resonate and would be remembered, um, by all who are hearing and would know the Lord, that these are your words for them, for us, for me, for all of us here. That you want us to be Jesus to the people around us to be loving and graceful. And yet, um, call for accountability as well in others and in our own selves. So we thank you Lord Jesus. Amen.
Amen. Yeah. Help.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks Pom. So guys, check out Carol Timmons. Mm-hmm.
I
Knew it. This got super weird.
I knew it.
You mom. Thank you so much.
Thank you. It's a joy to be with you. It's fun to be with both of you. Yeah.
Okay. Carol Timmons, everybody. Carol
Timmons
My mom. So
Good.
The, uh, the shrink, the the babe. I call her
Teacher.
The teacher. There may be Nevermind.
Uh, what'd you guys, what'd you guys hear? What'd you love? What was intriguing to you? And guys, we'll have this paper in the show notes, um, just all the different languages and mm-hmm.
Um, how maybe more intentional we can be with our apologies. I think sometimes saying, sorry, we think we've done our job. It's enough. But how we really need to be looking inward. Do I feel remorse when I say I'm sorry? Am I listening or being observant with the way the person's responding? Are they receiving my, sorry, less about me saving face and more about making sure that person understands that I am truly sorry. Mm-hmm.
I think that was new for me.
Being specific too and then like following through with changing your actions. Yeah. It's a whole thing. It's not just one step, but it, but it, you know, kind of follows through in a lot of things. And um, you know, once you do ask for that apology, maybe you don't get it. Mm-hmm.
I just could not stop. Well, gosh, there's so many ways that I was thinking about this, but think with my kids, like how to teach my kids this is really intriguing to me mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So yes, that was really helpful. I'm excited to go through this and think through this with my kids and that's good in my marriage when I just want to kind of say sorry or when somebody else, just when my kid says sorry to me, but it's not a real sorry. And I just wanna say that is such bs there's, there's no remorse or heart in that. Right.
But I'm just gonna keep sending them to the fridge where I put this
Which was so cute. That's
Really great parenting tip.
Yes. I think that was the be one of the best parts of the episode. You know, you've all, you have relationships or situations where your gut tells you they're not sorry. Yeah. And Carol validated this is what a sorry should look like. This is when it's not a true, sorry. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
I say a sorry. With often with some kind of contempt in my heart, thinking well, yeah. It, it depends on the situation I guess. But even with my wife sometimes with my kids, when I say sorry, I'm still thinking I don't really need to say sorry here, but I should, but I should. It's the right thing to do and I'm, I might be better, you know? And
It's not and then it, now it's not a sorry. No.
And that crazy. Are you saying it just to get through the moment? Yeah. Mean there's not any real life change.
It's the healthy thing to do. Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
So big revealer, um, curious for what you guys learned and saw in this and heard. So we'd love to hear that from you.
Yes. Comment below. Uh, we'd love to hear what you guys are walking through. Yes. But we also just love to engage with you guys. You guys are hilarious.
Yes, please do. Um, so, hey, the practice this week is apologize in many ways. Mm. So it's just being aware of our apologies. And maybe if there's somebody that you need to apo I need to, we need to apologize to this week. Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
Who's up? Sherry G
Let's
Go. Uh, and to le ah, I don't, it's l e i g h. Is that Lee?
I think it's,
I think
It's Lee. Yeah. I wanna say lay like Hawaiian, but I think it's Lee. Lee.
It's Lee. Lee.
And the coolest
Part Lee. We can apologize to her later.
Yeah. Yeah. That's wrong.
That's, we're sorry Lee
But thank you for partnering with us financially. This is kind of what makes this thing happen. Yes. Thank you guys for, you guys have been doing reoccurring gifts. Thank you. It's so, so, so helpful. Yes. Um, and I, what I love about Lee is that it's Lee t. Last name is Lee starts with a T. So it's kinda like I'm Tim T
That's true.
You are Lee T
And Sherry g
And Sherry G. Gosh,
These are band names.
Ed
Christy, George w wb. Let's go
George is our producer in the back and he is just awesome. So yeah. G what is it? W gw Gwb. Everybody. That's, you know what? It's
A good monogram.
Eat that. Gwb. Oh
Goodness guys.
Okay. Uh, we will see you or hear you or hear from you. You'll be hearing from us soon.
Please like, and subscribe, share if you can. Um, thank you guys for
Me. Let's take talks where they do this and things pop up. Yeah. Can you make things like subscribe, share
I.