Season 3 is all about relationships, the ways we navigate them, and practices to help relationships thrive. Today, we jump into Primal Questions with Mike Foster! We all have a core emotional need. And when that need is not met, we “scramble.” Join us as we learn about primal questions and how they show up in our relationships.
Season 3 is all about relationships, the ways we navigate them and practices to help relationships thrive. Today, we jump into Primal Questions with Mike Foster! We all have a core emotional need. And when that need is not met, we “scramble.” Join us as we learn about primal questions and how they show up in our relationships.
Practice: Discover your Primal Question - What emotional need did you feel your parents did or did not answer growing up? Are your relationships with your kids thriving or do you find a lot of “scrambling” on both sides? Be curious about your core emotional need. If you’ve found this or another practice helpful, let us know at mail@10000minutes.com and we might include your story in a future episode!
Show Notes:
Primal Question Free Assessment
Website
Fun Therapy Podcast
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The number one reason why a relationship will either work or a relationship won't work is if I keep answering my spouse's primal question with a no or a maybe,
that relationship, that marriage will not work. But if I get really good at answering my spouse's primal question with a yes and affirming that as often as I can,
that relationship is going to thrive. And that's true for marriage. marriage. That's true for friendship. That's true for work relationships. All of it. Hey,
everybody. Welcome. My name is Tim Timmons. I'll say it again. Bienvenidos. Welcome to the 10 ,000 minute podcast. And right now you're dying to ask this question. What's 10 ,000 minutes? Thanks for asking.
There are 10 ,080 minutes in a week and generally most of us, some of us, gather as the church for 80 minutes a week, which is awesome. But there are 10 ,000 other minutes until we gather again.
It's not how do we like work for God in the 10 ,000 minutes? Like what do we do for God? But it's how do we walk with Him and love people really well? And it ultimately, it's us putting Jesus' words into practice.
all week for the flourishing of the whole group. So this season we are, season three, we are diving into relationships. So we did a survey with about 1500 of us wrote in saying here are some of the areas that it's hard for us to actually follow the ways and heart of Jesus.
And the first one was in relationships. So we thought, why not dive into relationships? So we'll get into marriage, parenting, dating. dating, and sex stuff. And I mean, that didn't sound great, but you know what?
Take that how you want to. I meant intimacy, you get it. You get it. Okay. So this is part one of a two -episode conversation with my good friend, Mike Foster.
Mike has put in several thousand hours of research into what encourages each one of us to thrive or to scramble. What if we can figure out our primal need, our primal quest? and learn how to answer it?
So that's what these next two podcasts are about. You guys, this is such important work for us to be doing. I've known Mike for gosh, 20 years maybe. And people call him the Mr. Rogers of personal development.
I mean, put that on your resume. I guess he did. That's kind of the point. Mike is a bestselling author, executive coach and host of the podcast fun therapy. His newest book,
the seven prime. Questions, is out now. So his concept is there are seven primal questions that everybody has. Everybody's asking at least one of these questions. And so I went in saying,
Mike, I just took the seven primal questions test. Would you just figure out my life? So if nothing else, you guys, you might think this is totally boring, but it was really profound for me and actually really helpful.
And I think by the end of this, you'll wanna go take it. [BLANK _AUDIO] and figure out what is your primal question? And what are the primal questions of your friends and close people around you? So, okay, so this is a really fun podcast.
I love Mike so much on so many levels, but maybe go to primalquestion .com, just a singular primalquestion .com and take the test.
I mean, it's super quick and it might even be helpful for you to go through this podcast. knowing what your primal question is. And I don't know, I think this will be helpful for your life and for everybody around you because the hope is that as we become more beautiful and aware as we practice the ways of Jesus,
it's better for the whole group, the whole world, our neighbors, everyone. Okay, so here we go. Thanks you guys. Oh, and thank you for those of you who are supporting 10 ,000 Minutes financially.
This thing happens because of you. It's kind of our own Patreon type thing. We're not on Patreon. You just go to 10 ,000minutes .com and then there's a way to partner in the upper right -hand corner. So thank you for that.
Also, if this is encouraging for you or for other people, would you like and maybe rate it or share it with somebody else? All that good stuff matters. Okay, now it's finally time for our podcast with Mike Foster on the 10 ,000 Minutes podcast.
(upbeat music) Welcome to the "10 ,000 Minute" podcast. Michael Foster. - What is 10 ,000 Minutes total? - You know what's,
what do you mean? It's 10 ,000 Minutes. - Yeah, well I know it's 10 ,000 Minutes. - Did you see the Nate Bregazzi, his SNL skit? - No, I didn't. - Oh! - I love him,
by the way. - You have to watch it. It's about, he's George Washington. And he says, what I want to bring into this beautiful nation is like,
it's a way of telling space and meters. Like he's talking to like, he says, what I want to bring is I want to bring this new form of, you know, yards and feet and inches.
And I want to think, I want a ruler where on one side it's centimeters and the other side it's inches and feet and inches and they want to bring this new form of yards and feet and inches and they want to bring this new form of yards and feet and inches and they want to bring this new form never match up. It's so good. Why don't I just say that?
- Well, 'cause we're talking about like 10 ,000-- - Yeah, 10 ,000 minutes. What is 10 ,000 minutes? - Yeah, it's at like five years, is it a month? Like what is it? - Yeah, thank you, Mike, I appreciate that. 10 ,000 minutes,
there are 10 ,080 minutes in a week. - Okay. - Feel pretty good about yourself. - Okay, I am, so it's a week. - It's a week, it's a week long. - Yeah. So 80 of those minutes are spent in some church gathering if you do that type of thing,
which is great. But there are 10 ,000 other minutes and it's not what do we do for God in the 10 ,000 minutes. It's just how do we join in what he's already doing and practice his ways with each other in the 10 ,000 minutes.
- I like that. - Like the example I always use is somebody cuts me off and I've always had things to say or to look at them. I actually tell people, I smile. when I look at you. If you cut me off, I will smile like a good Christian boy,
but I'm thinking in my heart that I'm better than you, which is contempt. And so I started going, gosh, I'm such a great American Christian, but put me outside of the 80 minute gathering.
And that's when I wanna actually start joining Jesus as there. - Yes. - Hence the 10 ,000 minutes. - Okay, I'm glad to be here now. - You guys are welcome to have a-- I was always glad to be here.
Yeah. Now that I know the whole backstory of 10 ,000 minutes, I'm really glad to be here. Well, I mean, a lot of it started Michael. So how many years have we been friends? So that's gotta be close to 20 years.
Yeah. Yeah. So we met at Mariners Church through a guy named Stan Endicott. Yes. Who is both of our heroes. Absolutely. We have a lot of dirt on that guy. So a lot of things we could talk about.
about. - The whole podcast. - He is the hero of heroes. Anyway, so we met through Stan and we were both just creatives trying to figure life out and you were just always this really bright light.
Like bright isn't smart and just a genius. Like you've always been a consultant probably even since you were a little dude. Just the way that you see the world and see people and things, it's just so fresh.
And never. never feels contrived or normal. And I love that about you. You just have always had a weird, different way of looking at the world. And I always respect that and love that.
So thanks, Mike. What I love is I was looking at your bio and it said, it said that you're known as the Mr. Rogers of personal development. Yeah, I love that.
I mean, I love Mr. Rogers. Me too. too, huge. It's sort of Jesus, Mr. Rogers, and Jim Henson for me, so. - Well, you're looking great. The other thing that I loved here,
this is Mike is a certified experiential specialist. This is recognized by the International Society for Experiential Professionals. Is that,
tell me a little bit about this institute. - Yeah, well, it just means that I, a lot of my-- a lot of my training around therapy and counseling and coaching is Focus much more on experiential modalities versus like talk therapy and so I Explain that well,
I'm a big believer in the social we're doing trauma or things that are Long inner history family of origin wounds things of that nature that that if we can get people up and moving and role playing and getting out of our big brain and getting back to kind of our more primal parts of our brain,
that's going to help us actually get to the breakthrough and the clarity that we want and really release the trauma that we've been holding for decades.
And so that tends to be where I focus and experience could be all the way from role playing, playing to drawing and doodling to cathartic experiences like breaking plates that represent shame or it's that kind of approach to our development versus,
hey, let's just sit down, you sit on the couch and let's talk. And there's certainly value in talking, but there is a limit, especially with trauma, with just doing it through trauma.
therapy. And so that's just kind of where my focus, it's experiential. - I love that. I love that. So you've got a podcast. Are you still doing fun therapy? - I'm actually getting ready to fire it back up.
I took a break for a couple of years, mostly just due to COVID and writing the book that I've been working on. But that was a great pleasure doing that. - So Amoy,
who is one of my co -hosts she's been working with me for the rest of my life. And she works with me for the rest of my life. And she works with me for the rest of my life. And she works with me for the rest of my life. for 10 ,000 Minutes, and she's just the coolest human. We were talking about people to get, you know, to interview, and she said, "Have you ever heard of this guy named Mike Foster?" And I'm
like, "Who?" No. That sounds like an idiot, is what I said. It was just so fun for her, because she loves fun therapy, has loved your books.
Yeah, just that made me so happy. It's amazing how a podcast... and just talking about things that, you know, people are experiencing in their life because that's all the podcast is about.
Just, let's talk about a challenge. Let's talk about a struggle. Let's talk about something you're working through and just to have people share openly and vulnerably. It really certainly resonated with people.
And so it's a pleasure to do it. And I'm really excited about firing it back up. Let's go find their reasons. So people check out fund therapy. Okay, Mike, you wrote a new book that is called the - - The Seven Primal Questions.
- Thank you. And what are the seven primal questions? We're just gonna dive into that a little bit. And then I took the test myself, which I'm gonna have everybody else take this test.
Then we're gonna dive into me and you're gonna - - We're gonna have some fund therapy there, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Well, maybe to start off, I'd share like a story to kind of represent what I'd rather you just give the exact details.
Yeah, let's just go right through. Here we go. But it's a story. It's not an original story, but it's a story by David Foster Wallace, who's an author and essayist.
And he, I think he's given a commencement speech at a college and he shared this parable. parable about these two fish that were swimming along and the fish are stopped by an elder fish.
And the elder fish goes, "Hey guys, how's the water?" And then the two fish kind of swim along for a minute or two and they then look at each other and they go,
"What the heck is water?" And the point of the story is that is like so often in our lives we're just we're in something like we're swimming around and it is so vast and so known and so like close and yet all around us that sometimes we just miss the water.
Yeah. We don't have we you know just as fish could be living their whole lives but never recognize the fact that they're in water. And so the primal question in this whole concept is about the water,
something that you and I have been swimming in for our entire lives, and have probably missed it, and have never seen its full influence, not only in the negative ways where it's like,
if I were to take fish out of water, they would die. In the same way, if I were to take your water away from your life, you would die, but also the gift that comes from having been in water.
So this really, this whole research and the whole book is about understanding kind of our core drivers and really the corest of driver being our apex emotional need.
And so these seven questions really just represent the highest emotional need that you have as a person. And every one of us has one need. need that drives everything. It'd be the water.
Okay. Okay. So our one need is the water. Yeah. When you're in the water and you're having that need met, you're fantastic. You're your best self. Yeah. But when you're not getting that water,
you go into what I call the scramble. And the scramble is all the unhealthy and dysfunctional things that we do to try to get the water back. Okay. And so the been working on it for about five years,
six thousand hours of one -on -one interviews, 22 group labs, a lot of research on. How long is six thousand hours? Gosh. Five years, five years.
Yeah, really. It's a long time. It was a lot of conversations to really develop a concept that I hope is really profound, but also simple and easy to use.
And so the seven questions, it comes down to seven questions. And basically here's how the formula works. In early childhood, we are imprinted with a primal question, okay?
A question that we asked our caretakers that either went unanswered or was maybe answered with a no. And we then get imprinted with that question and then we keep answering,
asking. asking it subconsciously into our adult lives. And so when that question, that primal question is answered with a yes, we feel good, we've got water. - Yep, yep. - But when it's answered with a no or a maybe,
we then go into the scramble and do everything we can to get force the answer back to a yes. So I'll give you an example. Question number one is the primal question,
am I safe? If that's actually my - primal question. And my primal question comes from my early childhood imprint of sexual abuse. So I had a family friend,
I write about this in the book, a family friend that I would go spend the night with my parents, you know, whatever, back in the day. And this person would sexually abuse me while I was over there.
And then after about a year of this, I finally get the courage to tell my parents and we never really talked about it again after telling them.
Now, this is not about indicting our parents or blaming anybody. They're just saying these are the things that happen. So what happens in little Mike's world is that all of a sudden I don't feel safe.
I have one adult hurting me, two adults who are not communicating their protection over me. saying, Mike, you never have to go back to that house again. You never, the world take care of that, that messaging never happens.
So I took responsibility for, for my own safety. Yeah. So now how does that impact me? Well, I have the primal question of am I safe and printed on my life?
I now am an adult. When my primal question is answered with a yes, I feel good. I'm my best self. I'm a good husband. I'm a friend. good friend. I'm a good counselor.
But when my primal question is answered with a no or a maybe, I don't know, let's give you an example. A pandemic, okay? Feeling threatened by something,
not being able to control outcomes. I start going in my scramble. My scramble looks like hypervigilance. It looks like trying to figure out every step.
detail about something so I understand it because I believe if I can understand something that I can be safe and I can protect myself. And I get very anxious,
very sort of, I get kind of over indexing on work because I believe like part of my safety is the ability to have money and resource. And I get very anxious,
very, very, very, very, very, very, my whole life just becomes about getting a yes. Getting back into safety and understanding that part of me is really important because basically safety is my trigger.
Safety is a thing that undermines healthy relationships for me. The lack of safety causes me to lean into coping with mechanisms I don't want to have,
okay? - Yep. - And so what I write about in the book is there's nothing wrong with having a primal question. It's just saying, hey, my highest emotional need is safety. - Yeah. - I don't need to be ashamed of that.
I don't need to be embarrassed of that. - Yeah, just what is. - It is what it is. The problem is the scramble. And so until I understand that I'm swimming in the water of safety, okay? - Yeah. And that water is so important to who I am and how I do everything.
If I'm not seeing that, that means I'm going to spend a lot of time in this place of coping mechanisms and unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy choices instead of saying, okay,
I know what's going on. I discovered my internal programming, the, I understand why this is happening and what I know. And it puts me much more in a place of self -leadership.
And so, kind of, if I was writing a prescription for my primal question or your primal question, it's taking our question and turning into a statement. It's what I call the primal truth. And so, instead of me asking,
"Am I safe?" I now live in this place where I am safe. And I show up to podcast interviews, knowing that I can protect myself. I am safe in Tim's presence.
He's not gonna try to attack me or hurt me or take control over me. All those things that as that wounded child in me,
that has to be coached and managed and healed, feels all those things. I can come as sort of my healthy adult self and say, "I am safe, living my primal truth." So go ahead.
- Just for fun, what happens if you're actually not safe? Like if it's a place, you don't know me, I'm some rando guy that comes in and I start attacking something when you're coming in saying,
I'm safe in this. What if you're not safe? How does that work? - Yeah, I think for me and for anybody who's listening, so much of this question that I'm asking, research shows that there typically tends to be some traumatic event that imprints this question.
One of the things that sometimes trauma creates a lot of confusion, and a lot of the confusion is around our own empowerment to have a voice, have a say,
move away, because in many ways, when the trauma was happening to us, we had no choice. Right. We were powerless. Right. I certainly did. when I was a kid in those moments,
but I have to remind myself in part of my own practice of knowing that I don't live in a completely safe world. - Right, right. - And there are people that may or may not want to hurt me,
but that is a reality. I do have to remind myself that I have the ability, I have the resource now as an adult to deal with them. things that are unsafe.
Whereas the wounded child of the man didn't, or doesn't feel like he has any power to do anything about it. And so again, that's us operating in this much more healthy,
empowered place as adults and seeing ourselves as adults. One of the things that I talk about is one of my practices for safety is reminding myself that I'm now six,
four. okay? 'Cause I, and it's kind of weird, but I do see myself as this weak, skinny little kid when I start trying to deal with my adult world,
okay? And I, my best reminder is saying, hey, Mike, you're a man now. - Yeah. - And it feels kind of simplistic and babies, right? But I have to remind myself that I am a man.
am not this wounded, weak, powerless kid anymore, that I can take on the responsibility of my own safety and not ask the question anymore.
I don't have to look to any external forces to answer yes for me. I'm going to answer it for myself. And that's what it means to live in our primal truth. Am I safe? Primal question becomes I am safe.
Mm -hmm. Okay. Just can you read it? through the next six? - Yes, question two, am I secure? This has to do with really financial security. How do I have enough resource to protect myself?
Now there's a difference between Q1, am I safe, and am I secure? Mostly it's about a kid or a person who grows up in a family where there just wasn't enough. You know,
the bill collector's knocking on the door. - Yeah. - Christmas is gonna be a little safer. smaller this year because dad's not making enough money. - Yep. - Just this kind of swimming in the water of financial insecurity as a child,
you grow up with question two wondering, do you have enough? - Yep. - Okay. And everything gets run through that filter. Okay. It's about money, saving money.
Sometimes we tend to hoard, we tend to check our bank accounts three times a day. It's that kind of mindset. Again, nothing wrong with that emotional need of security,
but we gotta recognize that we're in the water. Question three, am I loved? This is really the need to feel seen and known and heard. This is where just kids tend to,
my wife's question is question three. And we use this a lot in our marriage because it's to me the number one reason why a relationship will either work or a relationship won't work is if I keep answering my spouse's primal question with a no or a maybe that relationship,
that marriage will not work, okay? But if I get really good and answering my spouse's primal question with a yes and affirming that as often as I can, then that relationship is gonna thrive.
thrive. And that's true for marriage, that's true for friendship, that's true for work relationships, all of it. And so that's why this is such a big idea because if we could just get to that simple concept and identify that apex emotional need of that person,
we can then powerfully relate with them. But if we're unaware of that, or we're accidentally or unintentionally answering that person's primal question with us, no or a maybe it,
that relationship is going to break down rather than play. So hers is in my love and so we work really hard on talking about that in our marriage of how can I answer that with the yes.
Question four, am I wanted? This is about belonging, being pursued, being connected. Every primal question comes with what I call kryptonite and I write about this in the book,
like there's one thing that will instantly send you into your scramble. For this question, it's about rejection. Anytime you feel rejected or left out, you then go to all your unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to deal with it again.
- So this is mine, and we're gonna dig into this in a second, okay? - Yes. - I just, as you said that, I just saw some of the ways I do that. Okay, now, keep going. - Okay, question five, am I successful?
This, this primal question tends to get... imprinted when you grow up in a competitive family. It could be sibling rivalry or mom and dad put a lot of importance on the scoreboard.
- Yeah. - Whether it's the grades scoreboard or the sports scoreboard. It's, I had one client where he talked about when he won his baseball game, dad was really chatty on the way home.
It's really, really connecting with him and everything seemed to be good. But when they lost, dad was quiet on the ride home. And he just felt like his whole his water was around success.
Right. Yeah. When he was successful, he got attention. He got love. He got praise. But when he didn't, it was a problem. And so these these folks grew up.
And basically when they. get a yes success winning, you know, they tend to be great coaches, by the way, they know how to be successful. They're great business people. They think about all the strategies,
but when, when failure, failure is their kryptonite, that's what's going to shake their snow, snow globe and instantly send them into their scramble and all these unhealthy coping mechanisms when they feel like they're not winning or being successful.
Yep. Question six, am I good enough? This is, I always say like question six are people who are like child stars because they grew up constantly being judged or criticized.
Okay, it's, if you're on, I don't know, with some of the Disney shows, you know, those kids like Britney spirits, I'm sure has a am I good enough question because you grew up in water,
the water is constant criticism, critiquing, judging. judging. And then you are imprinted with this existential question, like, am I even good enough to be here?
Or am I always flawed? We're always less than. And then the coping mechanism of that scramble tend to be perfectionism, overachieving, all of these things that people will do to try to prove their worth.
And then question seven is, do I have purpose? And the research on this one is really interesting because people who tend to grow up in Christian homes or faith -based homes tend to have this primal question of purpose because the conversations at the dinner table where God's got a great purpose for your life,
you're going to have great impact. And you hear that as a kid and perhaps that concept isn't fully built out for you. You're just thinking like, "Well, I'm so good at Africa." and save Africa." And now you're an adult and you're not saving Africa.
You got a middle management job at Chrysler. And all of a sudden you feel like your life doesn't have purpose, it doesn't have impact. And so you live with a lot of what I just call like calling angst,
okay? Am I doing the right things with my life? - Yes, yes. - Am I where God wants me to be? - Yeah. And again, it's not always trauma related in terms of the imprints of these questions.
It's oftentimes just confusion. You just weren't sure. And it's a kid trying to figure out something as a kid coming to a particular conclusion that wasn't correct.
For example, like my wife and my loved, her parents loved her. But there was something in the water in her family. the way her mom perhaps talked over her too much at dinner table or wasn't interested enough in her crafts that she did at school,
that she just kind of felt invisible, right? She didn't feel loved or she didn't feel known, okay? And so the kid believes, "Well, I'm not loved." He wonders if I'm loved,
even though the parents are saying, "You are loved." And so it's a great way for us just again. understand our core drivers, understand what's going on here,
and to, remember, we have a lot of compassion for ourselves, but also empower us to do something with it and to live differently. Okay,
take a moment and reflect on someone, whether it's your kid, it's a parent or your closest friend. What question do you see them asking?
Just choose one person right now. What question do you see them asking? And how are you answering that question?
What if when our kids befriend the least popular kid in their class, it's saying something? Is it saying something about what they need answered every day? What if what upsets your spouse is so much more than needing more done around the house or with the kids?
What if it's needing to know they're safe? How many times have we hurt someone and assumed an apology was enough and what they really needed to hear is yes You are safe in this friendship.
I Want to be more aware to affirm that So what are some of the primal questions that are around you? And what's it look like for you to engage in those questions that they already have and address them in some way?
way. So as a dad, you've got older kids, you have kids in your 20s,
as you look back, 'cause when you're saying each of these things, I'm thinking, "Gosh, I'm thinking about my kids." You know, all four of my kids going, "Okay, which ones would they be scarred with?" And which is just gonna happen,
like... - And maybe the different word is not scarred but imprinted because-- - Yeah, it's great. - There's an assumption that this is a negative thing that's happening to our kids. It's a natural thing that happens.
- It's a natural thing that everybody's gonna have. - Kids are trying to figure out the world, they're trying to understand the world. Parents are doing the best they can for the most part to try to help explain what love and success and purpose and belonging is.
And there's just something that's perhaps getting lost. Now, there is certainly trauma that plays a big role in this. But here's the other thing to think about as a parent. parent. Most of us will parent to our primal question.
The research shows this. We take our primal question and we put it over everybody else that we meet, including our kids. Now, our kids may have a different primal question,
but Tim, let's say your primal question is MI wanted. You will take the MI wanted question and you will put it over your four kids and then-- you as a father will do everything in your power to answer that primal question with a yes,
okay? Now, for me, I parried my kids through the primal question of am I safe? 'Cause I put my question, am I safe? And I want to make sure I did everything I could to make sure my kids felt safe,
okay? And so what, why I always tell parents is, be aware of that proclivity to, overindex on your own primal question in your parenting.
- Yes, yes. - And why I say is good parenting answers all seven questions for your kids is talking about and interacting with your kids with all seven. - I love that. Well,
my question was, how do you mitigate these things in your kids? And that would be your answer. - Yeah, so the answer is, be aware of your tendency to...
put your question on your child and think that's what they're asking. That's their highest emotional need is to feel connected and belonging and want it or me for safety and pay attention and listen to what your kids are saying to you.
I was in a small group. I was working with some couples this week and one of them was mentioning what the kid, let's say,
was six, seven years old. Whenever something was going wrong or they felt like they were in trouble, the child would say, "I love you, I love you,
"I love you, I love you, I love you." Okay, now what I would say to a parent is, okay, listen to what your kids are saying in moments like that because perhaps love is the kind of core emotional need.
need that the language that your child is using, the things that they care, are they really interested in winning? Do they feel, are they really deflated when they lose?
- Yep. - Okay, that might be a, am I successful question? - Yeah. - Or if they're really scared or anxious or unsure about going over to somebody's house, perhaps that's a,
am I safe question? So parents leaning in to say, "What is love?" the highest emotional need? And how can I, as a parent, speak to that and affirm that and remind them that it's a yes.
- That's really interesting. So it would almost just be like my wife and I taking a second and thinking through, okay, what is this one kid? What is Aaron? What are the things that we're hearing,
themes that we're hearing in his sadness or complaints of things? or angst. Yes. I would say there's kind of three areas we'd look at. We'd look at anything that what his triggers are.
Yeah. What triggers. Love that. Okay. Also, I'd be looking at what is the things that they care about the most in terms of that, what they're drawn to.
Like the deeper things, the thing under the thing or the specific things like gaming? Well, where is it? the things underneath the things? Here's what I say is I'd be looking at the things in relationship.
So for example, what's one of your kid's names? Aaron. Aaron. Okay. So let's say you're watching it, watching Aaron. And Aaron's really interested in the kid in the classroom who's the outsider.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who's left out. Yeah. Okay. He's drawn. to that kind of kid versus, I don't know, the successful jock or the kid who's the A plus star.
So I'd say, okay, he really has an affinity. Aaron has an affinity towards the outsider. Well, that might have to do with his need to feel wanted and belong. Again,
him taking, I'm giving him Aaron the same question. This is Belia. I mean, that would be my daughter, Malia, that would be hers. Okay. Malia perhaps has the primal question of am I wanted?
She puts that primal question over her classmates and she looks for the classmates that are most unwanted. Now, this is the beautiful part about what I think God does with our wounds from our childhood and things that feel like brokenness.
With every primal question comes a primal gift. And the gift is is the relational superpower that you have because of the question. So,
I'll give you an example. My primal gift is helping people feel safe. Which then I can deploy out into the world.
I can deploy it into my counseling practice, deploy it with friends. It's why people for my entire life have opened up to me and told me that all their details are the life after knowing me for five minutes.
minutes because I'm doing something that says yes to your safe. And so, because I've been studying safety my entire life, I have a PhD in safety,
you have a PhD in belonging, okay? So Tim, take your primal gift. You have an incredible gift and skill to help people feel included,
wanted a part of. okay? That is something that you need to find ways to deploy that out into the world in all different ways,
like with your family, your friends, your band, people that you create music for. You just create this place of inclusion,
right? Togetherness, that's a primal gift that you have because of your primal question. You don't need to be a part of it. have the gift of safety. Okay, I do. Yeah I'm not saying you don't yeah.
Thanks. You have the ability to make people feel safe, but this is a superpower, right and That's why I would say it's like when we think about parenting We don't want to try to stop primal questions What we want to do is we want to recognize primal questions so then we can affirm With yeses to our children but also know that they are now now hardwired for this incredible gift that they can bring into the world.
Like your daughter has the ability to see the outsider unlike anybody else does. And how is she gonna use that gift to help other kids in a classroom,
but also as she grows up into this amazing woman to help just all the lonely people of the world feel like they have a place. - I love that. Okay,
so that's episode one of two episodes that we're doing with Mike Foster on this. Next one, I'll be going through my primal questions. Oh, you guys, it's really helpful. I've gone through this a few times now with my wife,
and it's been really helpful. Even doing this with somebody else, I'd encourage you to have this conversation with somebody else. So get ready for the next one coming out. But before we do that,
a few thoughts I had. One was we might be answering someone else's question unintentionally even with a yes or a no with our responses. I was thinking as a parent,
as a friend, this is just another way for me to be curious about people around me. And what are they actually asking? 'Cause I know what they're saying, but what's the primal need,
the primal question? that they actually have and the way that I'm answering and the yes or no might be helping or hurting them. And can we be more curious about what someone is asking when they are upset,
rejected, angry, when they're isolating? Anyways, I'm excited to hear stories from you. So this week's practice, 'cause that's kind of the point of 10 ,000 Minutes, is putting things into practice,
not just hearing it and going, "Wow, great concept." But what does it look like for us to put these things into practice with Jesus? Not for Him, but with Him? Like we get to be with God, He gets to form us for the sake of the whole community.
So our practice is discover your primal question, that you would just discover it and you would just be aware of it as you go through your week. Be curious about your childhood. What emotional need did you feel like your parents?
parents did or didn't answer? Again, it doesn't make anybody bad. This is just how it went and how we read things, right? Tune into your emotional needs this week and tune into other people's emotional needs this week.
And please go check out Mike Foster's free Primal Question Assessment and that can be found at primalquestion .com. Once again, primalquestion .com.
And then will you join our Facebook page? group where we will be sharing our results and Talking through this as a community. So that would be helpful Please subscribe to our podcast sign up for free weekly encouraging text messages.
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mail @100 ,000minutes .com guys thanks for listening get ready for next week be aware of your primal question this week okay love you guys thank you (upbeat music)